In Praise of Side-by-side Networking

It’s said that some prefer side-by-side (SBS) communication - commenting to others as they watch sports or drive a car, for example, while others prefer face-to-face (F2F). As an introvert, I’ve found that networking SBS can be a great way to become part of a community, without the obligatory and sometimes mindless chit-chat. I’m a big fan of Susan Cain’s book Quiet, and believe that people should learn to recognize and honor their unique communication style.

Recently I participated in a faculty writers retreat at the Mt. Vernon campus of George Washington University. I learned that: 1) I love being in a quiet room with other people tapping away on their laptops, and 2) I enjoy the company of other faculty, who can be an intense crowd but are often research-oriented quiet professionals who enjoy talking at intervals, in depth, about interesting things, and 3) It’s fine if others want to talk and laugh, but I love an environment in which I’m not expected to do the same!

The quiet in the room at the retreat was glorious, and it was also great to be in a room with such an amazing group of people. Now, watching sports with a friend is not quiet, by any means, but there’s less pressure to say something brilliant than there would be if you were in a F2F conversation. “Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,” says George Eliot.

Life on a campus is the perfect context for SBS networking. For example, there’s a special warmth to studying in the library. There’s no pressure to chat. It’s beautifully quiet, usually, and you can kind of sink into the world of learning without the pressure to be brilliant with your peers. Maybe you study at a table with your friends, and occasionally laugh at a joke or share an observation. Beautiful.

Within the Danish concept of hygge (Meik), the social component of the aesthetic can involve a group of people sitting in a comfortable circle, wearing comfortable clothes - socks and sweaters, drinking hot chocolate and staring in silence at a fire in the fireplace. There’s no pressure to chat, and you also have a sense of safety, calm, and connection.

Many of my friends and colleagues would be surprised to hear me identify as an introvert. I do well in social situations, am conversational and use humor quite a bit when talking to others. However, what goes on inside me is something quite different. I have to nudge myself to get out of my home cocoon. I sometimes dread social interactions. I don’t do well if I have to attend a get-together for more than an hour or two. Many of us found that the pandemic fueled our introversion.

I hope that, in semi-retirement, I can build my SBS networking skills as though I were a student again – reading and studying in a public or college library, for example, or typing out  my blog posts at a Starbucks. I think we need to keep growing socially our entire lives. When I was a kid in Hendersonville, North Carolina, I would sometimes go to the library and sit in one of the comfortable modern couches which had been arranged in a sort of square by the side. There used to be an older man, Reverend Sullivan, who would sit there reading his Bible, and I would talk to him from time-to-time. He called me “Jimmy.” I wonder if I’m now a Rev. Sullivan!

What I now know is that networking with intention, for me, doesn’t mean setting up constant social engagements or learning tricks to be more chatty, but instead means finding ways to connect quietly, SBS. This provides a way that offers some conversation with other people, but mostly in the context of writing, driving, watching TV, or staring into the fire. There can also be follow-up and even social media interaction, but in the process the connection is deeper, richer. 

In short, social minimalism is great. I’ve learned that it’s not necessary to be constantly talking. Saying someone’s name, and listening to them, is an ideal way to connect. A smile shows warmth, and silence relays authenticity. Remembering things about people and just showing up for them is more important than thinking of clever things to say. It’s hard to give ourselves permission to be quiet and in the presence of others, without having to control the flow of conversation, side-by-side, but it can be powerful. Give it a try!